"Acting As If"

I remember my  first job out of college, working in the mountains at a residential treatment center for children who had been removed from their homes due to emotional problems. They lived in small cottages with staff who supervised their daily activities and provided a stable environment for them to learn and grow, and hopefully return home. My interview there was my first, and only, interview as a new graduate, and I decided to show up as the outgoing, confident young woman I wanted to become. When they hired me, I had to step into that persona and be that adult.

For years I thought I had followed the advice to 'act as if' when I accepted that job, that I pretended to be outgoing and slowly became outgoing as a result, doing something until it seems real. In grad school I was taught it was helpful for clients to learn this skill, and it is still promoted in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. "Whatever you want to be, just do it long enough and you'll become it. Talk yourself out of your anxiety and just fake it til you make it. Your fears will then be a thing of the past."

I now have serious doubts about those statements. Was it really acting as if I were outgoing that helped me move past my shyness, or did I simply take actions to move in that direction despite my fears? Did my thoughts actually change as I took risks, did I suddenly stop being afraid, or did I simply begin living a life I enjoyed and my worries became less important?

I vote for the second explanation. The evidence?  I still feel anxiety in many situations. My shyness still pokes out in unexpected places. My thoughts still take odd turns and tell me to become more invisible and less 'out there.' That first job was 38 years ago, and those thoughts still haunt me. They should be gone by now if 'acting as if' were enough.

In my work with athletes, they often share with me the advice they receive from their coaches or trainers: "Focus. Concentrate. Get rid of the negative thoughts. Tell yourself positive thoughts." These are athletes who have no problem spending hours repeating the same putt over and over to increase their skill, or weeks perfecting the approach to a jump in the riding arena. They aren't slackers when it comes to working hard to improve their skills. They tackle their negative thoughts with the same enthusiasm, only to find they keep sneaking back in, sometimes quietly and sometimes with a huge roar.

Which is why I don't bother with 'acting as if.' I share the lesson I took away from that first job: show up, know why you are there, and do something. I did things in that job that scared me. I learned to speak up and voice my opinion when I was afraid I'd look stupid. I didn't wait for the fear to go away or pretend it wasn't there. I took action even though I was scared, or shy or unsure. I showed up at meetings, I confronted people when it was appropriate, I set limits with the kids, I learned to say no. I focused on the task, on the 'doing,' and not on faking it. I paid attention to what I cared about, and that was being real, being present, and doing good work. I pay attention to the same things to this day.

New Year's Resolutions...and Why They Backfire

I used to start  a new year making sweeping plans, setting unrealistic but great sounding goals, and promising to be a better person. This was what I was told would work, that having goals would help motivate me, spur me to action that I otherwise had been avoiding. It sure sounded good, and while the intention and desire for change were there, the follow through somehow rarely happened. I would do a few things, make a few attempts at new behaviors, and quickly find myself exactly where I had started, only feeling guiltier than when I began because I had not only not achieved amazing results, I was now a failure on top of it all.

I cannot tell the number of times I have gone to bed at night promising to 'eat less' or 'run further' or 'keep my desk cleaned off' the next day, only to fail miserably. If I can't make it one day, how can I possibly make it a whole year. I've tried positive affirmations: 'You are a great runner,' 'You are a naturally organized person.' But my mind knows the truth: that I can be lazy, messy and eat foods that aren't in my best interest for either weight or health. That smart alecky mind inevitably comes up with the counters to those positives and I feel defeated before I begin.

So do I simply give up? If setting concrete goals or repeating positive affirmations doesn't work am I doomed to failure? Only if I keep trying the same thing expecting a different result. What I have learned over time is that the approach is wrong...making resolutions and repeating positive affirmations actually works against achieving what I want. They depend on willpower, which has been suggested to be a depletable resource. What does that mean? That the more of it you use making one change, the less of it there is for other changes. According to this view, the more effort I put into going to the gym each day, the less I have available for resisting the cookie after my workout.

In addition, we are fairly poor at predicting the effects of changes in our lives, believing that 'if I just lose 10 pounds I will be happier' although this has rarely proven to be true. Yes, for some people living in a climate with more sunshine helps with mood, but is it only the sun or is it the willingness to get out more and engage in activities that makes the difference? For those of us who live in gray, rainier climes and are willing to get out despite the weather, the negative effects of the lack of sun seem to be less. So is the the light or the movement? Was I really happier when I weighed a few pounds less? Did I feel more productive and charming? Or was it the working out and eating less sugar that helped me feel better about myself, because I have noticed that my moods seem to be more responsive to those changes whether the few pounds are there or not.

Which brings me to the real point...it is ultimately my movement that will make the difference in my life. Stopping to evaluate meaningful life values, what I want to stand for and have my life stand for points me in a direction I care about. Once I know what matters to me, the effort is simply taking tiny steps in that direction. Each step moves me towards something I care about, and that becomes a reward in itself. It is less black and white: did I lose 10 pounds or not; and more gray: did I eat mindfully today, did I go to the gym today even though I felt like sleeping in. Small wins actually make me feel better than the random big ones. I celebrate the baby steps and worry less about the grand goals.

My values reflect who I want to be, what I want to work towards, what feels important. Steps taken in service of those values feel important, and I am more forgiving when I veer off course knowing I only have to climb back to the path and continue my journey in the direction I want to be going. Perfectionism has never worked for me, I fail every time. My desk will probably always tend to become messy, yet I know I will continue to take time to clear it off because I want to work in a calm environment where I can focus my attention on things that matter, and the clutter can get in the way of that. That somehow motivates me more than 'I should be neater,' and it's actually much easier to accomplish. My mind doesn't even argue with itself loudly enough for me to notice. It tends to go along with the smaller steps, which makes it easier to hold lightly the criticisms that I won't be successful when I focus on the larger, less value based goals.

Committed action, in service of my values, is what I celebrate. And so I begin the new year as I ended the past one: one step at a time.