I am on a two month sabbatical from my private practice, journeying around the country with my husband, riding on the pillion seat on our motorcycle. The quiet inside my helmet gives me a lot of time to think, and the need to stay reasonably immobile for hours, often days, on end challenges my natural tendency to want to move. And yet, I find myself remarkably calm and at peace.
I realize I meditate. Not the 'focus on your breath, just notice your thoughts' type meditation. I'm not sitting cross legged with a candle burning watching on the flame. No, I am riding along at 70 miles an hour on an interstate, often with the wind blowing my head from side to side, or most recently with the heat pressing in on me as we rode in temperatures of 104 in our full gear.
My meditation is the 'become more connected to yourself, let your mind wander wherever it wants' meditation. 'Listen to the quiet' meditation. 'Take in the world around you' meditation. 'Make peace with the heat' meditation.
What I have discovered is an incredible richness inside my head. Stories come to me, writing themselves while I give them the time to unfold. I am in no rush to get somewhere, to do something, or to finish a chore. No one is demanding my attention, and I no longer feel the need for distractions. No checking Facebook or email. No phones ringing. Often complete silence. Only occasionally do we have music playing in the background.
The stories are random and curious. Who lives in this remote area? What is their life like? Who might I have been if I had been born and raised here? Would I like the weather or would I want to move away? More often the stories are my own, weaving together words to create a narrative that will soon move to the computer and finally paper. Freed from the constraints of having to produce, my mind wanders and problems get resolved with little effort on my part.
The forced stillness on the bike has become a welcome silence in my life. Unlike other meditations, this time is active and engaging. I am creative and curious, alive and involved. Yet, like any meditation, it is observant, not controlling. I have no idea where my thoughts will go and have no desire to lead them anywhere. I am excited to see where they take me.
Being in the company of friends and family, it becomes more challenging to find the time for such active meditation. Conversations fill the spaces and breaking away takes precious moments from the limited amount of time we have to visit. The urge to spend every minute catching up and creating new memories is compelling. I find myself torn between wanting to stay even longer, hating to say goodbye, and wanting to get back on the bike to reconnect with myself and once again find my inner voice.
This trip reminds me of the constant tension between wanting to do things and wanting to be still, of knowing we will run out of time off before we run out of all the things we want to see, of wanting to be with friends and family and wanting to sit quietly alone. Just noticing the tension, not needing to change it, is a freedom in itself. Remembering to take the time to notice is the gift I am giving myself.
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