Letting Go

I have witnessed death first hand three times now. Twice it has been my choice to let a beloved pet go, knowing it was kinder to be with them when the vet helped them pass on rather than watching them be further tormented by illness. The third time was with my grandfather, having spent three days with him, watching as he faded from this world once we made the decision to withhold all nutrients, including water, while we placed him on a morphine drip to prevent him from suffering in his final hours. In all three cases I felt privileged to be part of their passing.

There is always the wondering. Did we do enough? Did we miss something earlier that would have prevented this moment? Is this what they would have wanted if they had the choice? Ultimately, I have to be willing to live with the decisions I was part of making, knowing they came from my heart. My mind wants to revisit every step of the process, yet that only brings me pain. I don't need to remember the final days to know I will deeply miss those who have passed.

Instead I bring my attention to the joys they brought to my life. The memories of long conversations with my grandfather. His love and support for me throughout my awkward growing up years. His excitement when I made him a great-grandfather for the first time, and his pride when my second child was a boy (yes, he was still a bit paternalistic). Thinking about the many times I sat through his endless slide shows and stories of his worldly travels, all the while his passion for adventure was seeping into my very being. The lessons he taught of being a loving husband to his adored wife Amy have carried on in me as I care for her as she declines into the hell that is Alzheimer's.

And my pets. Yes, I have had many throughout the years. I am surprised how easily I fall in love with the newest member of our family as each arrives. Their arrival is usually because another has departed, but they are not a replacement. They are an expression of the love each has brought into my life and the desire to continue to experience that companionship, affection and amusement that my animals have taught me in their unique ways. Sharing the pain of the loss with the stories of their lives eases the suffering just a bit.

But ultimately I believe it is the willingness to feel the pain of someone's passing, whether a dear friend, family member, life partner, or beloved pet, that frees me to love fully. The sadness of loss reminds me that I have felt deeply, and I wouldn't give that up for anything.